People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
How do you milk an almond?
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.