[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
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Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Self-cleaning conscience