Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
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I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Y’all ready for this
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.