People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
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[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
It has been 3 years since Monday.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Ah..makes sense now
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”