@tastefactory: People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
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@FrazzleMyGimp: FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh. [later] COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? ME: Uh oh, guess who's awoken the tickle monster?
@ArfMeasures: SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw* CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That's him!
@mzeld: The worst is when you text someone and they text you back 2 hrs later but you already keyed their car and emailed their secrets to everyone.
@ramblinma: I'm not saying I want a divorce, it's just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.