People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I bet
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
uh oh
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.