People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
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Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.