People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
You Might Also Like
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.