[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
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to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Good news
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them