ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
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My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?