I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
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i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
ME: What鈥檚 the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That鈥檚 right, Dracula, it鈥檚 biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don鈥檛 tell me being a mom isn鈥檛 cool.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don鈥檛 unfollow me
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Love is always patient and kind.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Do NOT do this 馃檮馃檮
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I鈥檓 going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.