People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
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If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.