People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
You Might Also Like
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
some things should go without saying
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Breaking news:
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”