People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Ok but actually
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light