As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
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The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I identify as an antique shop.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
RT if you could go either way.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from