People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
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My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
that colleague who touches your screen
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.