People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
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I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
How do you milk an almond?
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
the answer was staring at me all along
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye