People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
A man of commitment.
Meowchelangelo
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.