My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
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my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I have no passwords left in me
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison