@SamGrittner: People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
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@hasht4g: What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
@rickkondell: Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they'll mace and taser you. In that order.
@Reverend_Scott: [shows up 2 hours late for interview] Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
@Jenny4ashley: Post that you're pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments. Tweet that you're pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows