People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
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All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
*lint rolls you awake*
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.