People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
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Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Life cycle of cat
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]