@juliussharpe: People over 70 have a much different idea of what constitutes a story.
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@maebemarbles: *grandma climbs into time machine* *shuts the door behind her* MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
@NewDadNotes: Justice League HQ Batman: -so they pay me 1 mil a yr Superman: 1.5 for me Aquaman: I'm paid in sand dollars Wonder Woman: you guys get paid?
@kelkulus: I don't understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It's much more awkward trying to return them. "She didn't like me."
@dxblarssonENG: Job interview: " if you want the job lick the floor" -what? -lick the floor if you want the job *licks floor* Eww gross, can't hire that guy