Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.