Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.