People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
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Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.