[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
You Might Also Like
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.