*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
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*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!