People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
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Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
One of the best
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?