people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
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It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..