People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
You Might Also Like
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
No laws when master is gone
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one