“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
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I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.