People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
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Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I hate my earbuds.
This forever.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.