People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
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“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Lucky old June.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?