People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
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who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
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My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.