People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
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When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
lmfao come on
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.