People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
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Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another