People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
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Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
never ask a starfish for directions
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
gentlemen, hear me out
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.