My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
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SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?