People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
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HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Your honor these allegations are
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.