People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.