People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
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“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over