Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
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Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.