BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
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*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.