director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
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I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.