People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
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Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
#catsoftwitter
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
🏙👨🏼
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys