People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
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I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
how was your vacation
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
the greatest twitter interaction
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I will never stop laughing at this
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.