People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
You Might Also Like
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
whenever i wake up before my alarm
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.