People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
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They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”