@gitson_shiggles: People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
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@tastefactory: PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
@sixfootcandy: Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
@phalguy: Realtor: This house here comes with a playroom Wife: Oh, the kids will love that! Realtor: It's not that kind of playroom Husband: Nice
@NotThatKristi: We're adults. It's bad enough we selfie. Don't make it worse with the surprise face selfie