People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
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“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Fluff me with a fork baby
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?