People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
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me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
twitter users today:
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!