People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
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WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.