2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
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nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
multitasking lunch
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
the Monday after daylight savings
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I never needed anything more in my life
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.