Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
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“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Boating season is upon us.
Breaking news:
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I hope they boil the right one.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
get you a girl who
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends